The Stringier, The Better

Let’s be honest: how delicious is string cheese? Seriously, there’s like a mere handful of foods that lend themselves to being played with (who among us hasn’t made a mashed potato volcano?), and string cheese is by far my favorite. There is, however, a painfully easy way to ruin string cheese: by making it “low fat”. It turns into a rubbery, chewy, flavorless log of proccessed cheese food, AND, to make things WORSE, it doesn’t even string properly! You can tear off little hunks here and there, but that satisfying feeling of peeling off one long, perfectly proportioned strip has completely gone out the window.

I am not an advocate of foods that are low fat, lactose-free, low sodium, sugar-free, sugarless, and so on and so forth. It totally negates the whole reason you’re eating food in the first place: because it TASTES GOOD. There are those who, for whatever reason, cannot regularly indulge in full-fat or salty foods, and I understand. It is important to take care of your health. BUT. If you’re a healthy, young, active person, why not take advantage of the butter-filled pastries, the frosted cupcakes, the fatty meats? Do you really enjoy that low-carb no fat no salt high-fiber tofurkey wrap with soy cheese and sprouts?

I’ll illustrate my point with this little anecdote involving sugar-free gummi bears and the havoc they wreaked on my intestinal tract. I was at Treasure Island, the most European grocery store in America, and plopped what I thought was a container of Haribo gummi bears in my basket. I didn’t read the label closely (are you starting to sense a pattern here? I am not a careful grocery shopper) and instead brought home a crapload of sugar-free gummi candies. Mindlessly, I popped the bears into my mouth as I absorbed hours of crap TV. The container was half empty and I was starting to feel….not good. Soon, I was hit with wave after wave of the most insane stomach cramping I’ve ever felt. I lay curled on my side on the couch, clutching my stomach and wishing I could throw up or something, just to ease the torture. This went on almost all night, even after two doses of Pepto and four chalky Tums. It wasn’t until the next day that I noticed the “sugar free” label on the plastic box, which reminded me that my family does not tolerate artifical sweeteners well. I Googled “gummi bear stomach pain” and was faced with page after page of similar agonizing experiences that occurred after chowing down on some sugar-free gummi bears. Apparently the sugar substitute used in these products is Lycasin, which is known to cause gastrointestinal distress.

This is why I stick to the real stuff, people. Real sugar ain’t never give me no trouble.