the hazards of insomnia

Sleep comes to easily to some people. They lay down their little heads, snuggle under their dear  blankies, and drift off. For me, the sleep process is more akin to a game of tug of war between my desire to sleep and my body’s refusal to let me do so. So, when I’m not all hopped up on Ambien (it’s a controlled substance, you know), I like to watch infomercials. So easy it is to get sucked into the vortex of before and after photos, tearful and often nearly religious testimonials, and over-complicated demonstrations that look so easy but that you never really master at home. It’s like I blink my eyes and I’ve just spent three hours watching whatserface—the Bare Escentuals chick—buff and blend and Mineral Veil her way through her allotted time on QVC.

I have to say I stumbled across quite a gem a few nights ago, as I was deep in the trenches of yet another sleepless night. Did you guys know that Cindy Crawford has her own skincare line? Oh, I know. I was surprised too because celebrities are so modest. I was about to flick the channel in disgust until they flashed side-by-side pictures of Cindy Crawford, one taken at age 28 and one taken at….whatever age she is now…like 190 or something. But they looked EXACTLY THE SAME. I was astounded! I think I literally yelled “no frickin way!” out loud as I sat on my bed.

Meaningful Beauty (yes that is the name of the skincare line. Why? I don’t know, but it seriously sucks), consists of various creams and brighteners and moisturizers and pore minimizers and ohmygodkillmenow. There is so much SHIT involved in this skincare line it’s almost comical.

Anyway, I’m sitting there and I’m watching BIG STAR Jenny Craig dieter Valerie Bertinelli and some other broad with a British accent go on and on about the transformative powers of these products and I begin to notice my skepticism eroding, ever so slightly. I even had my phone in hand. Wow, her skin really does look smoother and younger after just two weeks of using the Masque Facial Masque (actual name) and the Glowing Serum. Huh, I guess I would like to slather on some botanical blend that hydrates and revitalizes the skin. God, everyone looks so amazing after using these products! Cindy Crawford is so convincing!

After all these testimonials, they went into the backstory of the birth of the range, which apparently began in France with some “famous” French dermatologist who discovered the “secret” to beautiful skin. And what is the magic bullet ingredient in these products? What smoothes wrinkles, evens skin tone, and masks discoloration?  Well, I’m glad you asked.



The answer, of course, is melons. NOT JUST ANY REGULAR MELONS. These are rare melons. See? They even have a side by side comparison of the two types of melon. The one on the right being an ordinary melon, whereas that one on the left, surrounded by sparkles, is the “rare” melon, the provider of the “rare” melon extract used in all the products in the range. If I had a dollar for every time someone on that infomercial said “rare melon”, I’d probably have about 25 bucks. Maybe more.

So, this of course struck me as absolutely hilarious, for several reasons. One being that these melons look like someone scooped them straight out of the 50% off bargain bin at Joann Fabrics and then used them to complete a fall-themed tablescape. They look fake as hell. Also, because  I am not seven  years old, I’m no longer fooled by the computer-generated sparkles they added to differentiate between the melons. Come on guys, would it have really killed you to throw some money into higher-quality special effects? A little research on my part yielded the evidence that there are in fact people who were duped by this oh-so-convincing melon theory; they are the women who bought the entire range, not realizing they would subsequently be charged over 100 bucks every month for a new supply. They are the women who broke out in SEVERE RASHES and suffered CHEMICAL BURNS and IRREVERSIBLE ACNE after using these products. Careful, readers. What you don’t know about rare melons can leave you horribly disfigured for life.

I guess the lesson here is: stick to oridinary melons?


3 Responses to “the hazards of insomnia”

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  3. 3 pixiepharmaceutical February 28, 2010 at 4:55 am

    I actually just saw the infomercial for this and I instantly took notice of the multiple times they referred to the “rare” melon. I mean it’s one thing to play on the minds of buyers who are desperate to maintain their youth and beauty but it’s pretty difficult to take this French doctor seriously when he refuses to provide the actual ingredient and the real scientific facts behind this magical rare melon.

    Oh and btw, love the sparkles on that magic melon! ^_^

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