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Having a blog (on WordPress)  is hard, y’all. Which is why you can find me at my cozy new home on Tumblr! Yes, I’ve settled in nicely at http://pantsarehungry.tumblr.com/ (some jerk had the NERVE to already be using Hungrypants…I’m giving that person the ol’ side-eye right now…) and have reevaluated my approach to blogging.

From now on, I will be offering a feast for the eyes via food porn shots of the things I eat, the things I make, and the things I make to eat with limited commentary. Not to say I won’t still be bringing you my cranky and often bitter observations on crappy food and detestable service, but I’d like the new space to be about the glory and the power of food forever and ever amen.

Because the New Year brought me renewed inspiration to actually, you know, COOK things with my hands, I’ll be sharing with you the failures and success that come along with having an oven that sets the fire alarm off on a regular basis, somehow triggering the actual fire department to show up at my door. This has really happened. Twice. I’ll be posting links to the recipes I use in the hopes that someone, somewhere out there, finds a recipe from me and thinks “Oh, that Hungrypants. She sure has saved me from a flavorless life!”

Anyway, add me, follow me, Tweet me, “Like” me (please won’t you like me?) Tumblr me (is that a thing?) and enjoy.

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“Something extra…..in my pants.”

Would you spend an evening with this To Catch a Predator lookin motherfucker?  This guy looks like he invented the windowless van.

Holidayzzzzz

Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a….perfectly suitable Kwazaa to you and yours! Hungrypants is on a mini-vacation for a few days, but never fear. When I return, I shall have the first interview EVER in the HISTORY OF THE BLOG, and I’m very excited about it

So, sit tight, stuff your faces, and join me next week when I interview Jeff Cooper, sous chef at Branch 27.

Cheers!

the hazards of insomnia

Sleep comes to easily to some people. They lay down their little heads, snuggle under their dear  blankies, and drift off. For me, the sleep process is more akin to a game of tug of war between my desire to sleep and my body’s refusal to let me do so. So, when I’m not all hopped up on Ambien (it’s a controlled substance, you know), I like to watch infomercials. So easy it is to get sucked into the vortex of before and after photos, tearful and often nearly religious testimonials, and over-complicated demonstrations that look so easy but that you never really master at home. It’s like I blink my eyes and I’ve just spent three hours watching whatserface—the Bare Escentuals chick—buff and blend and Mineral Veil her way through her allotted time on QVC.

I have to say I stumbled across quite a gem a few nights ago, as I was deep in the trenches of yet another sleepless night. Did you guys know that Cindy Crawford has her own skincare line? Oh, I know. I was surprised too because celebrities are so modest. I was about to flick the channel in disgust until they flashed side-by-side pictures of Cindy Crawford, one taken at age 28 and one taken at….whatever age she is now…like 190 or something. But they looked EXACTLY THE SAME. I was astounded! I think I literally yelled “no frickin way!” out loud as I sat on my bed.

Meaningful Beauty (yes that is the name of the skincare line. Why? I don’t know, but it seriously sucks), consists of various creams and brighteners and moisturizers and pore minimizers and ohmygodkillmenow. There is so much SHIT involved in this skincare line it’s almost comical.

Anyway, I’m sitting there and I’m watching BIG STAR Jenny Craig dieter Valerie Bertinelli and some other broad with a British accent go on and on about the transformative powers of these products and I begin to notice my skepticism eroding, ever so slightly. I even had my phone in hand. Wow, her skin really does look smoother and younger after just two weeks of using the Masque Facial Masque (actual name) and the Glowing Serum. Huh, I guess I would like to slather on some botanical blend that hydrates and revitalizes the skin. God, everyone looks so amazing after using these products! Cindy Crawford is so convincing!

After all these testimonials, they went into the backstory of the birth of the range, which apparently began in France with some “famous” French dermatologist who discovered the “secret” to beautiful skin. And what is the magic bullet ingredient in these products? What smoothes wrinkles, evens skin tone, and masks discoloration?  Well, I’m glad you asked.

Observe:

raremelon

The answer, of course, is melons. NOT JUST ANY REGULAR MELONS. These are rare melons. See? They even have a side by side comparison of the two types of melon. The one on the right being an ordinary melon, whereas that one on the left, surrounded by sparkles, is the “rare” melon, the provider of the “rare” melon extract used in all the products in the range. If I had a dollar for every time someone on that infomercial said “rare melon”, I’d probably have about 25 bucks. Maybe more.

So, this of course struck me as absolutely hilarious, for several reasons. One being that these melons look like someone scooped them straight out of the 50% off bargain bin at Joann Fabrics and then used them to complete a fall-themed tablescape. They look fake as hell. Also, because  I am not seven  years old, I’m no longer fooled by the computer-generated sparkles they added to differentiate between the melons. Come on guys, would it have really killed you to throw some money into higher-quality special effects? A little research on my part yielded the evidence that there are in fact people who were duped by this oh-so-convincing melon theory; they are the women who bought the entire range, not realizing they would subsequently be charged over 100 bucks every month for a new supply. They are the women who broke out in SEVERE RASHES and suffered CHEMICAL BURNS and IRREVERSIBLE ACNE after using these products. Careful, readers. What you don’t know about rare melons can leave you horribly disfigured for life.

I guess the lesson here is: stick to oridinary melons?

Just to Tide You Over…

Am I the only one who kinda wants to see Sookie & Jason hook up on True Blood? I mean…don’t you get the feeling she’s totally coming on to him sometimes? And he’s always “rescuing” her from “precarious situations”? Come on. Let’s not kid ourselves. You allllll wanna see that shit go down. Incest! It’s fun for the whole family.

I’m in the midst of writing a recap of Julie & Julia….I gotta get the vibe down right so sit tight. That rhymed.

-JHP

It’s been a long time…I shouldnta leftchu…without a dope blog to step to


Yeah that’s right, I just quoted Timbaland/Baby Guurl. However, this well-worn bit of hip-hoppia aptly describes the way I feel about abandoning this space, leaving my hungry readers with nothing to feast on. It was never far from my mind though, this little blog of mine. Every time I sat down at the end of a long, arduous work day, the first thing I thought was always “Oh, I should totally update my blog.” Of course, various things (aka LIFE) inevitably drove me to distraction and I callously and indifferently let my writing fall by the wayside.

Happily, this does not mean that FDL has been forsaken as well! It is in fact alive and kickin, and we have visited both MK and The Publican in the meantime, feasting on perfectly seared scallops, shortribs, softshell crab, and spicy, flavorful seafood stew. I will give both these visits their rightful due in future posts, because I feel as if I’ve given them short shrift and not paid them the attention they deserve. The Publican in particular is a bastion of good eatin’. The place worships every single part of the pig, right down to the hairs on their chinny chin chins. I have to give it props for that, what with the recent SWINE FLU panic and all.

I won’t even get into why I can’t ever eat there again, though. Let’s just say one of the line cooks there is no longer a huge fan of mine. Sorry Chef.

Anyway, I’m diving headfirst back into this after having been away for so long. Coming up in August is the wedding of one of my dearest friends and, knowing my inclination towards eating mass quantities, she has let me in on the menu ahead of time and let me just tell you, it’s a frickin doozy. She swore me to secrecy and because I’m true to my word, I won’t share it with you at this time, but I will say this: Diet. Starts. Tomorrow.

Respeck.
JHP

Soosh!

Every neighborhood has one: that one kinda meh sushi spot that nevertheless always has at least a 30 minute wait between Thursday and Saturday nights. Round about my way, this joint is Cafe Sushi. Situated cozily on the corner of Wells and Evergreen, Cafe Sushi (or Geen, as it has been nicknamed among my crew. This is short for GENIUS) is BYOB, which means the zoned-out waitstaff doesn’t even blink when you roll in, six deep, packing individual Sapporos and multiple bottles of sake. They’ll amiably provide your table with all the accoutrement required for sake bombing, and smile absently as you pound the table, sending cups of sake splashing into glasses of beer. Sure, you’ll probably get dirty ass looks from the snobby Old Town yuppies at the next table, but I’m sure if you salute them with your next round of bombs, they’ll grumpily accept your presence.

Now, I cannot vouch for the freshness of any of the fish served here, but I have yet to get food poisoned *knock wood* so I can only venture to guess that, at the very least, it’s kept frozen enough to keep germies at bay. The menu, extensive yet somehow also limited, is your standard sushi joint fare: edamame, gyoza, miso soups, as well as a lengthy selection of maki rolls, most of which are inexplicably named after US cities. My personal go-tos are as follows: the Miami Maki, a real face-stuffer that boasts crispy tuna tempura snuggled alongside avocado, cucumber, lettuce, and masago, served with a tangy ponzu sauce. Next up is the Snow White Maki, a good solid one-biter topped with super white tuna–my ultimate favorite–accompanied by red tobiko and shrimp tempura. Usually, Spicy Tuna is always a good standby, but CS’s has a bit of a weird flavor and doesn’t stand up to the best Spicy Tuna Maki in the city.

For all you non-sushi eaters (freaks), Cafe Sushi does offer the usual chicken and salmon teriyaki dishes, as well as some random shit called katsu that is described bafflingly on the menu as “fried cutlets.” Mmmmkay…

Which reminds me, coming up on the FDL agenda: MK.

Stay tizzuned.